The complicated thing about Mother’s Day

Of course, today is the day everyone rants and raves about their mothers. How this woman has done so much for their lives that they have no idea where they would be without her.

Well, I sort of have a different view of this. While I love my mother, there tends to be more I resent about her than applaud.

It all relates back to a pretty rocky period in my and her life but I think it really goes further back to my childhood. In a past psychology class we learned about attachment styles; how there are secure and insecure attachments and these can manifest in later relationships. It is safe to say that given my child of divorce status I happen to have an insecure avoidant attachment style meaning I lack trust and have a hard time maintaining relationships.

If you knew me, this would make a lot of sense. While an attachment style can change through other experiences, my insecurity is made only worse by my horrible record with romantic relationships and stunted comfort with intimacy. It is not all from my mom but there are elements of her and our relationship that have affected me. While I don’t hate her for it, it is still taking time for me to reconcile with these aspects of myself as well as her.

So, in line with what everyone else is saying about their mother, there are a few things that I can attribute at least in part to her, positive and negative…

+My love of movies and music
-My poor ability to know when a relationship just will never work out
+My resiliency
-/+My sensitivity
-My fear of vulnerability+My big sister

My mom is strong. She has been through a lot and has been hurt many times by people she loves. She is not perfect by any means and that is perfectly ok. I think I have a hard time getting along with and understanding my mom because I have such high expectations for myself; because I see so much of her in myself, I am afraid that I will go through the same things she has and that I am not strong enough.

I don’t want to struggle or feel so badly bruised to the point of depression. This, however, is not her fault. I have the task of dealing with this and I cannot blame her for her experiences. I can learn as she has to keep going and pushing forward.

Ultimately, my mother is a survivor, as am I. I can relate to her on this level and hopefully draw strength and knowledge from her experiences while doing so with my own experiences.

The thing that is so great about mothers is that no one is the same. There is no perfect mom and everyone has their own struggles. A positive attribute most good mothers have in common is the immense ability to care for another being when that means putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

I know for a fact that my mother has this. She cares. Now I just have to be strong enough to care back.

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